Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
