If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
