Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
