sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
