My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
