how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
