More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
