my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Shame - the story of my life.
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