Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
