she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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