I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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