Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
