He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
