New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
