Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
