so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
