when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
