Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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