The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
