Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
farters have to be the big spoon...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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