The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
