Will you blow on my dice?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
