If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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