3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
