I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
