dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
