I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
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My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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