It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
