I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
