Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
