Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
