I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
