Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
