I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
