i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
