I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He has the fingertips of a God
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
