life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
