My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
