Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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