You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
