is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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