The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
