when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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