piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
