Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
