Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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