Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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