dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
