I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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