i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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