I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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