Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
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it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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