I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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