Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
