It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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