Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
