dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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